Five Point Pork Exploding Heart Technique

Some of you may have heard of the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique in which a skilled assassin can deliver five well-placed strikes to an enemy’s chest. After receiving these five strikes to the chest, the enemy’s heart explodes after walking five steps. As you can see, it’s a pretty awesome move:

Ah, Kill Bill Vol. 2. It’s a classic.

Although that crazy old Pai Mei also taught me the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique, I’ve since had to reconsider my use of this skill on account of the time I was forced to kill a rabid unicorn that mistakenly wandered into my living room. It was an historic occasion considering the fact that I proved both the effectiveness of the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique, and the existence of a “mythical” creature.

Sadly, no one else was around to witness this feat, and I disposed of the unicorn carcass before the wife came home (though I did save the horn as it fetched a nice price on the black market). But I digress.

Not pleased with the too-instant results of my lethal palm strikes, I sent away for a more gradual solution for coaxing hearts into explosion. So sometime last week, a much anticipated package arrived at the Burnt Lumpia Worldwide Headquarters:

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What’s in the box?!!

What’s in the box, you ask? A sweet pair of solid gold nunchucks? A blowgun? A machete-wielding leprechaun? None of the above, actually. It’s a box o’ pork parts:

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More specifically, it was a cooler filled with pork from all-natural, pure pastured, heritage breed Ossabaw pigs: a couple slabs of pork belly, a couple pork jowls, and some pork ears. Why did I bother sending away for such fancy-pants pork? Because commercially raised pork is gross, plain and simple. Generally speaking, commercial pigs are raised in confinement (that’s putting it nicely), are shot up with hormones and antibiotics, are raised to be lean and have less fat (what good is a skinny pig?), and are pretty bland in flavor (less fat, remember?).

Whereas the pork I purchased online came from completely pasture-raised all natural pigs that roam outside like pigs should, rather than being confined to a feedlot. There are a number of fine online purveyors of pastured pork (Niman Ranch, Flying Pigs Farm, and Heritage Foods just to name a few), but after much research I ended up purchasing my pork from Caw Caw Creek in South Carolina because it was the only place I could find that sold pig ears (I’ll get to the ears later, but trust me, they’re good eats). I initially wanted to keep things local and purchase good pork from
California, but I could only find places that sold whole pigs and half
pigs–and I don’t have that kind of freezer space.

And sure, you could probably find pork belly and pork ears at Asian and/or Latin markets, but good luck finding some nice pork jowl (pig cheek).

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Pork Jowl: Skin Side Up

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Pork Jowl: Meat and Fat Side Up

Also, because my wife and I would be the ones consuming all this pork, why not order the good stuff? After all, it’s our hearts that will be exploding so I’d rather they explode via the fat of humanely raised hogs. Ah yes, it’s a little old fashioned, but there’s nothing like stopping
a heartbeat after years of eating delicious and fatty pork.

Now armed with these weapons of porcine pieces, I could explode hearts with the best of ’em–although at a much slower pace. As such, I have developed my own deadly martial skill that I call the Five Point PORK Exploding Heart Technique. Instead of striking five vital points around the heart with my palm, I can stop the heart via five secret delicious and porky Pinoy dishes (pretty much any and all Filipino pork dishes can go on this list, but I’m going with five of my choosing).

Death by the Five Point Pork Exploding Heart Technique is much slower than death by the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique, but it’s just as awesome, and a lot more tasty. And I would like to pass these secrets on to you, dear readers, as long as you promise to use these powers for good rather than evil.

These five “secret” dishes of death are as follows…

The Five Point Pork Exploding Heart Technique:

Enjoy them all, if you dare!

  • Karin King January 27, 2013, 9:05 pm

    I learn something new today, I have no knowledge about this before since I don’t have any experience like this. But anyway thanks to you for this additional learning’s.

    Reply

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